I don’t entirely love the uncertainty of life. Sometimes I wish it came with a 100% satisfaction guarantee. I understand that the unpredictability is part of the goodness of it all, but that’s just my humanity there. I want to know that I’m going to come out on the other side of life content with all that I lived through. With the absence of any pain. But, if I’ve learned anything in my short 23 years of life thus far, that’s just not how it goes. Death and suffering, as a shared humanity, are our only guarantees. What’s odd, we don’t even consciously choose to be born. Feels a little wonky to me. I believe it’s good that I feel this way. I’m not sure what God’s up to with that. Maybe I have an idea. We must consciously choose into life, to opt into the entirety of it. Sometimes I wish I would’ve known what I was getting myself into before I was brought forth into the world. I’d still choose it all though. I like this place, this life, very much. There’s a resilience to the vulnerability of living. Although, I will not shy away from my wrestling. I’m so tired of fellow Christians spiritually bypassing everything. Glossing over pain and injustice in inauthentic, inefficient, and dehumanizing ways. May our approach to life be absent of bitterness. That’s really hard. I read something by my favorite writer the other day and it goes something like this:
“When we insist on propagandizing our story rather than telling the whole truth, we reveal that we are anxious and quite nervous and insecure that possibly God is disappointed with us. So when a writer or artist or musician (or any other person for that matter) communicates from their gut the things they really think and the things they really feel, they are in a sense walking by faith, relying fully on the grace of God. And when someone relies fully on the grace of God, well, all things are possible.” – Andy Squyres
This is my vow to myself to create more words. I’m tempted to wait until my thoughts are in order, but that day won’t arrive. I’m tempted to wait until I feel settled with my conclusions, surely that day won’t arrive either. Here is my attempt at half thought out words that would allude to the goodness of a thought out God.
This is something I wrote earlier this week. “God is my solace and peace of mind. He is also the thorn in my side. No one has caused me more grief. But all the same, no one has given me more peace. I am yet unsure of what to make of this. Must we become dumb to know God? Man is not too good for God but surely God is not too good for man. I’m not up for well put together ideas. Either philosophically or theologically, yet I feel as though I need them. It’s all smoke in the end except for what isn’t. Nothing is pretty but everything is beautiful. If you’ve tasted honey, you’ve tasted God. If you’ve danced, you’ve brushed up against His skin. To smell morning dew and witness the sun rise is to see God breathe. To listen to a beautiful song is to hear His voice. And to look into the eyes of a stranger is to look into the eyes of an unseen deity who has named Himself Yahweh. Have you sat with a friend amidst grief or joy? Well, you’ve been seated in heavenly places. The joy of the Lord is my strength, but His mystery is my source of pain. Greater, it is my source of wonder therefore it is my source of joy. God’s heart is beating throughout it all, as is mine. I am unsure what to make of this.”
I must confess, I’m not a missionary because I have the answers. I know nothing. It’d be foolish and dangerous of me to claim that I do. All that I have is the deep conviction that God’s goodness is in me and around me. That we are made whole through the life of Jesus, all of it. The Spirit is in us and among us, empowering us towards Heaven. We’ll see a complete restoration of humanity and creation. May this be our greatest longing. He is moving us towards Himself. May we see God on Earth. How cool that we get to be the meeting place. This is why I’ve chosen to be a missionary. I desire to actively participate in the setting up of His Kingdom and eternal reign.
I will likely contradict myself. I will likely miss the mark. I will likely repeat myself. I do not write to sound good or to appear religiously correct. I do not write for either you or I. I’m just here to testify. So, maybe I do write for both you and I. I am just trying to make sense of this terribly beautiful life and the Creator of it as I go. In the end, we will see God. Maranatha.
Psalm 31:19
Lord, how wonderful you are!
You have stored up so many good things for us,
like a treasure chest heaped up and spilling over with blessings—
all for those who honor and worship you!
Everybody knows what you can do
for those who turn and hide themselves in you.
20
So hide all your beloved ones
in the sheltered, secret place before your face.
Overshadow them with your glory-presence.
Keep them from these accusations, the brutal insults of evil men.
Tuck them safely away in the tabernacle where you dwell.
21
The name of the Lord is blessed and lifted high!
For his marvelous miracle of mercy protected me
when I was overwhelmed by my enemies.
22
I spoke hastily when I said, “The Lord has deserted me.”
For in truth, you did hear my prayer and came to rescue me.
23
Listen to me, all you godly ones: Love the Lord with passion!
The Lord protects and preserves all those who are loyal to him.
But he pays back in full all those who reject him in their pride.
24
So cheer up! Take courage, all you who love him.
Wait for him to break through for you, all who trust in him!
Be well, my friends.
*Fundraising Update*
I’m currently 42% fundraised. Praise God! I’m hoping to double that within the next month. It’s a big goal, but I’m ready to be in Guatemala doing the thing. I need to be 110% funded before I can buy my ticket to go! I would love if you’d prayerfully consider partnering with me by committing to a monthly recurring donation. The graphic below shows you a bit of what I still need. Choose any amount you are able to. If you have any questions or would like to meet up to know more about what I’m doing, please reach out! My email is [email protected].
If you’re not able to partner with me this way, I’d love to add you to my monthly newsletter! That’s where I send out updates on all things life and Guate. Send your email my way if that’s something that interests you!
Thanks for being on this journey with me, I deeply appreciate it.
On Earth as it is in Heaven
– Lyss
